Leslie, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have been lucky enough to be married to a wonderful person whom I trust absolutely for nearly 20 years. Although I would be embarrassed for him to see my phone for the reasons you cite (my own shallowness & vanity, etc), I freely hand it over. And in fact we use each others' phones from time to time when it's more convenient. What an incredible gift it is to be in a relationship this trusting. It does take work. We shared everything fully from the very beginning - joint finances, our hopes dreams and secrets. I hope my daughter finds someone equally worthy of her trust when the time is right.
I have also been on the receiving end of a huge betrayal of trust, although it was a business partner whom I trusted and worked with for six years. From that I learned about narcissistic emotional abuse, a lesson I hope most people never have to learn. I can only imagine how horrible it would have been if it had been a spouse or a parent. I had never had a bad relationship before, gave this person my trust and it was grievously abused. I'm only 2 years out from the painful ending, but I feel much stronger and wiser about the ways of evil than I was when I was younger.
I'm glad you have found a husband worthy of your trust. Thank you for sharing so much of your self and your work on your podcast. I listen regularly.
Thank you for these kind words, and I’m so happy for you that you have such a strong and honest relationship with your husband. There are good people in the world, and reasons to be hopeful!
One sobering aspect of Leslie's post is how absolutely zero of us are immune from an earth-shattering betrayal - and conversely none of us are immune from betraying those that we love in a similar way.
Regardless of worldview or creed, I believe it's sobering to gently consider the concepts of "original sin", redemption, and forgiveness in the light of the relational damage that all of us are capable of.
There is no way in this moment for me to find words to express how well you articulated your feelings here Leslie. Learning that this post is 2 years old, and that your experience is likely a year or two earlier than that adds further weight.
I suppose that a more positive reframe is to credit you with what you have done for so many of us via your substack and podcast as a truth-teller.
It seems quite popular (and easier) to criticize one end of the aisle, however you are adept at parsing both sides of the cultural spectrum, while remaining largely objective. This tragic backstory helps me - and probably many others - understand more of how you are able to become and remain compassionate - and effective to this end.
In our current hyper-connected world, there are no secrets. All the more reason to steer clear of even the hint of impropriety. I value the 43 years of trust my wife and I have built up and would never do anything to damage that. She is free to open or answer my phone anytime. Laptop as well. And I know I can do the same with hers. Even so, neither of us feel the need to do this. Having watched so many celebrity Christian evangelists fall from grace over the years, I am reminded of Billy Graham's habit from his early days of never entering a hotel room without one or more of his staff in case someone was planted there to compromise him. In all his decades of serving God, there was never any suggestion of impropriety. How different from the fall of so many, including recently someone I always respected- Ravi Zacharias.
Thanks, Rick. You and your wife have a wise open-door policy. And your description of Billy Graham's habit is also a good reminder that none of us is immune to temptation- if we wish to remain committed to our values we must set our lives up in such a way as to strengthen them. We are only human, and there are so many ways to fall. Perhaps believing we are above falling is chief among them.
Wise words. The former VP was mocked for adhering to the "Billy Graham rule" however he and many others wisely realize the value of avoiding even the appearance of impropriety.
It is very sad that we are no longer shocked when platforms fall and former heroes are found to be made of clay.
Perhaps we can respond by encouraging one another and focusing as much as possible on the small, genuine acts of love, care and support in the meantime.
Leslie, it is sad that something like this ever happens. That you can write about it in such a beautiful, open, and honest way is inspirational.
We all have our secrets, some of which would be embarrassing if they were known, even to a trusted partner. And if it were not your husband's phone, it would be his mind. His phone only provided the incontrovertible evidence.
Being in a relationship involves being vulnerable; I'm happy for you that you have found someone who will not take advantage of that. I guess the big mystery of life is figuring out how to keep it that way. When you unlock that secret, I'm looking forward to reading what you write about it.
Leslie, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have been lucky enough to be married to a wonderful person whom I trust absolutely for nearly 20 years. Although I would be embarrassed for him to see my phone for the reasons you cite (my own shallowness & vanity, etc), I freely hand it over. And in fact we use each others' phones from time to time when it's more convenient. What an incredible gift it is to be in a relationship this trusting. It does take work. We shared everything fully from the very beginning - joint finances, our hopes dreams and secrets. I hope my daughter finds someone equally worthy of her trust when the time is right.
I have also been on the receiving end of a huge betrayal of trust, although it was a business partner whom I trusted and worked with for six years. From that I learned about narcissistic emotional abuse, a lesson I hope most people never have to learn. I can only imagine how horrible it would have been if it had been a spouse or a parent. I had never had a bad relationship before, gave this person my trust and it was grievously abused. I'm only 2 years out from the painful ending, but I feel much stronger and wiser about the ways of evil than I was when I was younger.
I'm glad you have found a husband worthy of your trust. Thank you for sharing so much of your self and your work on your podcast. I listen regularly.
Thank you for these kind words, and I’m so happy for you that you have such a strong and honest relationship with your husband. There are good people in the world, and reasons to be hopeful!
One sobering aspect of Leslie's post is how absolutely zero of us are immune from an earth-shattering betrayal - and conversely none of us are immune from betraying those that we love in a similar way.
Regardless of worldview or creed, I believe it's sobering to gently consider the concepts of "original sin", redemption, and forgiveness in the light of the relational damage that all of us are capable of.
This was one of the most tragic things I could imagine reading.
I am equally amazed at your ability to see the profound good within such a shocking discovery.
My heart goes out to you and your children and family in the aftermath of your new reality.
If you're interested, I wrote a little more about that experience here: https://theradicalcenter.substack.com/p/coffee-and-infidelity?r=1dwvdj
There is no way in this moment for me to find words to express how well you articulated your feelings here Leslie. Learning that this post is 2 years old, and that your experience is likely a year or two earlier than that adds further weight.
I suppose that a more positive reframe is to credit you with what you have done for so many of us via your substack and podcast as a truth-teller.
It seems quite popular (and easier) to criticize one end of the aisle, however you are adept at parsing both sides of the cultural spectrum, while remaining largely objective. This tragic backstory helps me - and probably many others - understand more of how you are able to become and remain compassionate - and effective to this end.
Thank you very much, Nathan.
In our current hyper-connected world, there are no secrets. All the more reason to steer clear of even the hint of impropriety. I value the 43 years of trust my wife and I have built up and would never do anything to damage that. She is free to open or answer my phone anytime. Laptop as well. And I know I can do the same with hers. Even so, neither of us feel the need to do this. Having watched so many celebrity Christian evangelists fall from grace over the years, I am reminded of Billy Graham's habit from his early days of never entering a hotel room without one or more of his staff in case someone was planted there to compromise him. In all his decades of serving God, there was never any suggestion of impropriety. How different from the fall of so many, including recently someone I always respected- Ravi Zacharias.
Thanks, Rick. You and your wife have a wise open-door policy. And your description of Billy Graham's habit is also a good reminder that none of us is immune to temptation- if we wish to remain committed to our values we must set our lives up in such a way as to strengthen them. We are only human, and there are so many ways to fall. Perhaps believing we are above falling is chief among them.
Wise words. The former VP was mocked for adhering to the "Billy Graham rule" however he and many others wisely realize the value of avoiding even the appearance of impropriety.
It is very sad that we are no longer shocked when platforms fall and former heroes are found to be made of clay.
Perhaps we can respond by encouraging one another and focusing as much as possible on the small, genuine acts of love, care and support in the meantime.
Leslie, it is sad that something like this ever happens. That you can write about it in such a beautiful, open, and honest way is inspirational.
We all have our secrets, some of which would be embarrassing if they were known, even to a trusted partner. And if it were not your husband's phone, it would be his mind. His phone only provided the incontrovertible evidence.
Being in a relationship involves being vulnerable; I'm happy for you that you have found someone who will not take advantage of that. I guess the big mystery of life is figuring out how to keep it that way. When you unlock that secret, I'm looking forward to reading what you write about it.