I have been there and I promise that once you get to your late 40s or even 50s, the world starts to look a lot different. You’ve collected pain and heartbreak, tragedy and loss, and you start to understand the pessimism that plagues your age group... and yet, the world also looks brighter, calmer, and things start to make a lot more sense. You realize the world is dominated by hormones and the need for connection, and now you wake up feeling like you are watching a play unfold before you. You realize it’s always been about just you - even if you’ve had children - and now is the time to find beauty and joy in every moment that you can. Hugs my friend. I just discovered your channel recently and I love it. Thanks for being you.
Thank you, Deb. I like your perspective. I'm in my 40s now, and yes, things continue to make more sense in many ways as time unfolds. Here's to growth and understanding ♥️
This reminds me of when my fiancée and I first started dating. He was poly, I was not, but I was willing to give it a try. For four years my anxiety grew as I tried to be something I wasn’t. Then one day he told me he wanted to be monogamous. It was like a deep breath I had been unable to take for four years, not knowing I hadn’t been breathing. Everything changed. The beauty of our relationship started to unfold in ways we never knew love could. My anxiety is gone now, like the heaviest weight lifted from my shoulders. We continue to grow in joy and laughter completely satisfied with one another. Everyday is like a tiny miracle.
This piece is so sad to me and so familiar. Peace be with you.
Brokenness lead to discovery. For me, I suppose, I needed to be alone for it to happen. Sure did hurt though. Even now. I’m glad to have been found along the way. Prepared for what’s next. Stronger, a more complete me. Some trust and innocence were replaced by wisdom at the cost of a path that I hope to never walk again.
I feel the pain in this post. I _know_ it. Many do. There are so many ‘silent keepers of the soul’ protecting what is left. My prayer is that we all find trust again in the trustworthy and peace in the middle of the storm.
I'm always impressed when someone can somehow build something beautiful out of something horrible. I makes me sad, but gives me hope too - because it shows you haven't been overcome by it. Keep that beautiful spirit!
I had to scroll back up to the top again to see the "true story" part. Keep on writing! If some women think they are fulfilling life's ambitions by mucking around, "kinking" with a married man, may they live to want to have a child and a quiet, cozy life, never to find it.
Most married men doing this stuff are lying to the women on both sides. That was the case here- and women have more loyalty to one another than to cheating men, thank heavens. Thank you for reading, Ute!
Of course! You're a remarkable writer. I was hoping it was fiction. No matter the mens' lies, I find it hard to be magnanimous with their female enablers. Like the "sexologist" who diagnosed my then husband "in the initial appointment" in 1993. We are in a sisterhood, while they stand on the outer tangents. It galls me that the attitude of most of society is that the kids shouldn't be told the secrets that drove the marriage off the cliff. I just do not like closets with skeletons in them.
Though the problem is maybe less with closets with skeletons in them -- after all, we're all more or less walking, talking closets with skeletons in them 😉 -- than with refusing to face those facts and their consequences.
Butter, oil, cream and cinnamon?! Looks like I've been doing coffee wrong all these years! But seriously, that was an unexpected but enjoyable gear shift. [EDIT: "Enjoyable" wasn't the right adjective. Apologies. The part about it being a true story didn't properly sink in when I first read it. Quite a gut punch, actually.]
Hi Connor, thank you for the compliments- that is very kind. To your question about kink- I think that is a broad umbrella covering quite a variety of different behaviors and predilections, some of which I find distasteful or even alarming, and some of which seem like benign matters of personal preference. I used the word here because it was what I read on the screen, in the text message I described; it wasn't my word choice, just a transcription. If he had been arranging "vanilla" hookups the words would have been different but the impact of the discovery would have been about the same. In the video where I talked about my professor's approach to "scat" pornography you may have detected disgust because, like most people I do have a disgust response to feces.
But while those two instances don't necessarily establish a pattern or indicate a particular attitude about kink or sex, etc- I am not a fan of "sex-positivity" and the "anything goes as long as there's consent" attitudes that parts of our culture seem to be embracing. I think making sex transactional by normalizing porn and prostitution and encouraging objectification of people and fetishization of body parts etc is unhealthy for mental and social wellbeing. That's a big discussion, and maybe I'll write more about it sometime.
I would like to hear more of your thoughts about all of this too, Leslie. I feel very stuck in the middle with my thoughts about sexuality, polyamory, kink, BDSM, casual vs. committed relationships, etc. and a breath of fresh air would be greatly welcomed.
I have been there and I promise that once you get to your late 40s or even 50s, the world starts to look a lot different. You’ve collected pain and heartbreak, tragedy and loss, and you start to understand the pessimism that plagues your age group... and yet, the world also looks brighter, calmer, and things start to make a lot more sense. You realize the world is dominated by hormones and the need for connection, and now you wake up feeling like you are watching a play unfold before you. You realize it’s always been about just you - even if you’ve had children - and now is the time to find beauty and joy in every moment that you can. Hugs my friend. I just discovered your channel recently and I love it. Thanks for being you.
Thank you, Deb. I like your perspective. I'm in my 40s now, and yes, things continue to make more sense in many ways as time unfolds. Here's to growth and understanding ♥️
This reminds me of when my fiancée and I first started dating. He was poly, I was not, but I was willing to give it a try. For four years my anxiety grew as I tried to be something I wasn’t. Then one day he told me he wanted to be monogamous. It was like a deep breath I had been unable to take for four years, not knowing I hadn’t been breathing. Everything changed. The beauty of our relationship started to unfold in ways we never knew love could. My anxiety is gone now, like the heaviest weight lifted from my shoulders. We continue to grow in joy and laughter completely satisfied with one another. Everyday is like a tiny miracle.
This piece is so sad to me and so familiar. Peace be with you.
Amazing. Thank you for sharing. ♥️
Brokenness lead to discovery. For me, I suppose, I needed to be alone for it to happen. Sure did hurt though. Even now. I’m glad to have been found along the way. Prepared for what’s next. Stronger, a more complete me. Some trust and innocence were replaced by wisdom at the cost of a path that I hope to never walk again.
I feel the pain in this post. I _know_ it. Many do. There are so many ‘silent keepers of the soul’ protecting what is left. My prayer is that we all find trust again in the trustworthy and peace in the middle of the storm.
This is really good writing, and I say that as someone who minored in creative writing and writes as a part of their job.
Thank you, Hazel, for that very nice compliment.
I didn’t want this to go where I could tell it was going. Well done and thank you for the change of pace!
I'm always impressed when someone can somehow build something beautiful out of something horrible. I makes me sad, but gives me hope too - because it shows you haven't been overcome by it. Keep that beautiful spirit!
I had to scroll back up to the top again to see the "true story" part. Keep on writing! If some women think they are fulfilling life's ambitions by mucking around, "kinking" with a married man, may they live to want to have a child and a quiet, cozy life, never to find it.
Most married men doing this stuff are lying to the women on both sides. That was the case here- and women have more loyalty to one another than to cheating men, thank heavens. Thank you for reading, Ute!
Of course! You're a remarkable writer. I was hoping it was fiction. No matter the mens' lies, I find it hard to be magnanimous with their female enablers. Like the "sexologist" who diagnosed my then husband "in the initial appointment" in 1993. We are in a sisterhood, while they stand on the outer tangents. It galls me that the attitude of most of society is that the kids shouldn't be told the secrets that drove the marriage off the cliff. I just do not like closets with skeletons in them.
LoL 😂 😉
Though the problem is maybe less with closets with skeletons in them -- after all, we're all more or less walking, talking closets with skeletons in them 😉 -- than with refusing to face those facts and their consequences.
"Poor Damn Fool"
- Harry Chapin
Singer of sad songs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMqJYNb5JrY&list=RDMM&index=6
Butter, oil, cream and cinnamon?! Looks like I've been doing coffee wrong all these years! But seriously, that was an unexpected but enjoyable gear shift. [EDIT: "Enjoyable" wasn't the right adjective. Apologies. The part about it being a true story didn't properly sink in when I first read it. Quite a gut punch, actually.]
if you aren't drinking bullet-proof coffee, are you even living? ;)
I'll have to give it a whirl. Maybe I've just been merely undead all this time! https://youtu.be/43iuVco7B_A
:/ <3
Your "My husband’s phone is Schrödinger’s Box" column touched me; this one brought tears to my eyes, because I knew where it was going.
Even though I knew from the "Schrödinger’s Box" that you have recovered, and even though I don't drink coffee, reading this still brought up emotions.
Heartbreaking, beautiful and honest. Thank you for sharing this.
Impressive writing, wish it were really fiction, but still... that's a sad way to end it, hope you'll have some new pieces soon.
Hi Connor, thank you for the compliments- that is very kind. To your question about kink- I think that is a broad umbrella covering quite a variety of different behaviors and predilections, some of which I find distasteful or even alarming, and some of which seem like benign matters of personal preference. I used the word here because it was what I read on the screen, in the text message I described; it wasn't my word choice, just a transcription. If he had been arranging "vanilla" hookups the words would have been different but the impact of the discovery would have been about the same. In the video where I talked about my professor's approach to "scat" pornography you may have detected disgust because, like most people I do have a disgust response to feces.
But while those two instances don't necessarily establish a pattern or indicate a particular attitude about kink or sex, etc- I am not a fan of "sex-positivity" and the "anything goes as long as there's consent" attitudes that parts of our culture seem to be embracing. I think making sex transactional by normalizing porn and prostitution and encouraging objectification of people and fetishization of body parts etc is unhealthy for mental and social wellbeing. That's a big discussion, and maybe I'll write more about it sometime.
Thank you again for reading and commenting.
I would like to hear more of your thoughts about all of this too, Leslie. I feel very stuck in the middle with my thoughts about sexuality, polyamory, kink, BDSM, casual vs. committed relationships, etc. and a breath of fresh air would be greatly welcomed.
That sounds sensible. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about it.
I agree about porn, although I've heard good arguments about the legalization of prostitution and I'm not sure what I think about it.